clarification...

does no one remember the anti-drug ad where the druggy kid says to clean-as-a-whistle-tom "hey you want some drugs" or something similar (and equally unrealistic) to which mr. clean says "no" (attaboy, just say no! would you care to take a bite out of crime while you're at it?)

so then part-time middle school student/part-time dealer boy says " what are you, chicken?"(since that's an extrememly likely retort) to which johnny-be-good says "i'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!"

and keeps his knee caps. in fact i think proposition joe just walks away leaving ace to smile with satisfaction.

you can't tell me i'm the only person who remembers this ad. it's so classic.

----
edited by author 2/2/05 @ 14:22

aha! i knew i wasn't insane! i have yet to find a moving clip of this psa, but it talks about it in depth here [link] and has still photos of the video.

in case you aren't interested in reading the article, i'll summarize. it basically says i was right and you were wrong [insert shit eating grin here]

apparently my chicken/turkey psa was part of a larger, teenage mutant nija turtles anti-drug campaign back in 1991. the article goes as far as saying (and i quote) "'I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey.' The line that defined a generation. The comeback that's saved millions from peril."

thankyouverymuch.

i'm not a chicken, you're a turkey...

i tell you what man-i have no idea how people get "high" on nyquil. i mean seriously dude. first of all, i barely take the recommended dose and i'm out like mike tyson in round 4. if i were to take any more than the little cup thingy full i'd be passed out before the bottle hit the counter. not to mention the taste. uh, gag much? i don't know about you but i tell ya, just the smell has me seriously fighting my upchuck reflex.

it probably doesn't help that whenever i take liquid medication i have flashbacks to when i was a child and decided i'd "help" my mom by medicating myself. only to drink half the bottle, have my sister tattle on me, and then have all 3 of my siblings chasing me in circles around the house until i projectile vomitted my good intentions all over the living room. good times.

bang! (that was me hitting "the wall"). my nyquil induced coma is officially setting in. told you it takes about 5 nanoseconds for that stuff to work it's magic. wait. does that make me easy? damnitall!

i'm out.

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

i love days like today. the air is crisp, sun shining, windows open, the sound of snow melting. drip, drip, drip. much like my nose which just keeps running. running like steve prefontaine. but my stuffy nose can't get me down, man. it's a beautiful day and i've got books to read and tea to drink.

note to self...

when drinking mass quantities of wine, just say no to the $8.99 jug and go for quality. the a.m. repercussions are much more pleasant.

the invisible man...

i've decided i need to come up with a standard imaginary boyfriend. that way when a strange cashier man at walgreens starts asking about whether or not i have a boyfriend, i don't have to stammer through some random response that somehow incorporates pretty much every guy i've dated. you'd think by now, after being single for the large majority of my life, i would already have that imaginary man all mapped out. but nope. not me. i'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. ok so maybe it's not so much that, but rather the fact that coming up with, and then attempting to remember, a fictitious story about an make-believe man is just waaaaaay more effort than i'm willing to put in.

but i dunno, an imaginary boyfriend. it's actually not a bad idea. i can see it now....creepy man: "so where's the boyfriend tonight?" me: "oh he stayed home, he has a long day tomorrow full of things like finding a cure for cancer, and creating world peace. he's a busy guy." i could have the single greatest boyfriend ever. he could be hot and funny and love cheese. and then if there is a boy i'm actually interested in speaking to...poof! no more boyfriend! it's just that easy. i just have to make sure i refrain from speaking to him in public.

potty trained...

newest random search that brought someone to _words: "urinal for girls"

awesome!

note to self...

if ever contemplating suicide do not slit your wrists, stab yourself in the chest, park your car on railroad tracks and then at the last minute flee for your "life" and end up derailing 2 trains and going to jail for being "the idiot that injured over 200 people and killed 11 instead of killing himself."

man, if i were that dude, i'd so be kicking myself for punking out. hey buddy haven't you ever heard "do or do not. there is no try." i swear, has yoda taught our generation nothing?

conversation piece...

mom: hey sara, how about some jujyfruits?
sara: no, mom.
mom: fine. then how about milk duds?
sara: no, mom.
mom: we gotta get something.
sara: no, mom. we don't need anything.
cashier: is that gonna be all?
sara: yes.
mom (to cashier): she's my daughter, can you tell?
sara: uhhh... the fact that i keep calling you "mom" might be a give away.

g'day mate...

you know it's going to be a good day when...

• you wake up about 3 times in the night and end up getting up to start your day @ about 5 b/c you can't fall back asleep.
• you bang your knee on the bathroom cabinet that creeped open in the night.
• as you're shampooing your hair you notice the shampoo isn't getting very lathery. that's about when you realize you're using face soap.
• you pop a button on your shirt while attempting to put it on. no really. it just-pop. much like the weasel.
  
• you feel like a-double-crooked-letter.
  
• no matter how much you try to avoid the fact, you know you're getting sick.
• one of your nostrils is perma-clogged. just one. so annoying.
  
• you have 2 things of cough/cold medicine. one expired in nov. 2002 the other in march 2004.
  
• all you wanna do is crawl back into bed and never move, but mom's in town. and by "mom's in town" i mean "you have to go shopping all day". shoot me now.

don't hate the player...

conundrum! i can't decide who i have a bigger crush on. tom brady or adam vinatieri. (sigh) what's a girl to do?

rhetorical questions...

am i going to begin every new post with a question?

according to my last three i am.

y.m.c.arm and a leg...

since when is the y so expensive? i've been really bad about exercising even though we have a free gym "on site" and we've got a treadmill (so what if it hasn't been set up since we moved in, we'll get to it eventually). and then of course it is waaaay too cold for this little one to get her cardio in by running outside (and by run i mean wheeze uncontrollably after half a block) so i decided maybe i'd join the ymca around the corner. the idea being that if i was paying for the use of a gym, i would, in fact, use it. but daaaamn gina, that shit's expensive. i know gyms are pricey, but the y is suppose to be cheap. i thought. (for once i think and see where it gets me?) apparently i thought wrong.

i wonder if i could sneak in. if i get caught it'll just fill my "criminal act quota" for the month. plus, i hear prisons have nice workout facilities.

quarantine...

have you seen the aviator? i recently put out a bar of soap at our upstairs sink and for some odd reason whenever i wash my hands with it (almost everytime i use the bathroom) i can't help but think of that scene. (if you've seen the movie, you know the scene). does this happen to anyone else? no? maybe it's just me. it's probably just me.

sooners or later we'd better win...

i swear, is texas ever gonna beat oklahoma? i mean seriously. no matter the rankings. no matter the sport. those damn sooners are pesky little buggers. i don't know quite what we need to do, but we should really think about beating them once in a while. i don't care what sport. just let us win something against 'em and i'll be appeased. i bet we could beat 'em in a game of "who shows up to play less often, our football team or our basketball team?"

looks like our ladies are gonna have to step it up on wednesday and show those vexatious okies we aren't all talk.

beat to the punch...

so i had a few funny stories to tell detailing the oddity that is the american public, however, my quick-like-fox (or is it cat?) brother beat me to the punch. and instead of trying to upstage him (which i could totally do) i'll just let you all read his accounts of our lunch dates and telephone message for todd. (minus the disneyworld/denny's stuff...that was kate not me) oh and don't mind the fact that in 2 out of the 3 stories i was involved in he acts as if they happened to him alone. he likes to make it sound like he lives alone and goes to good little bistro's at nordstrom's by himself so the ladies don't get the wrong idea and think i'm someone other than his little sister. how's that for me passively agressively displaying my disappointment in his lack of acknowledging my presence?

[link]

buying stock in kleenex...

the thing about winter is that, no matter what, you've got postnasal drip. i don't really know how mother nature does it. i'm thinkin' it's the cold outside/heat inside combo that makes my nose run. i know, i know, i'd better go catch it. but seriously. whatever the reason the fact remains that i've got a perma-sniffle and it's snot very fun (sorry had to) and everyone i know has at least the same, if not worse, sinus problems this time of year. and so unless everyone, including my mother, has fallen prey to the gifts of the coca plant then i'm blaming the season. damn you cold weather congestion, damn you!

but why is the rum gone?...

so last night i'm sitting on my rump flipping through one bad television program after another and i happen upon "i love the 90's (part deux)." now first of all, it needs to be said that these "i love the (fill in year here)" shows are hilarious. they bring back all sorts of ridiculous memories. but it's 2005. don't you think the 90's were a little too recent to really get nostalgic about? maybe the early 90's but anything past, i think, 93 would be way too recent to get the desired effect. maybe it's just me. anyway, that's not even my issue. my issue is this. where do they find the people who comment on the different fads?

i can understand commedians and maybe even some actors and musicians. but last night a buddy of mine from college was on there. ok so he wasn't really my buddy, but he was the roommate of one of my best buddies. he's a swimmer and won some olympic medals or something. (whoop-di-freakin-do, like those are hard to win.) i assume that's why they even know who he is (under his name it said olympic swimmer: 2+2=4), but he has no business commenting on the rugrats. i mean, don't get me wrong, he's hot and i can say "hey i know that guy!", so his being on there isn't a bad thing. it's just a weird thing. i just don't get it.

it's kind of like when you see someone wearing a mini skirt with legging and leg warmers tucked into boots or some equally horrific outfit. or like when someone is cheering for texas a&m, why would anyone in their right mind wanna do that? or better yet, when some really hot guy is with a way nasty chick or vice versa. leaves you asking "but...why?!"

moving up in the world...

i stopped by the office today for some not really interesting or exciting reasons and as i was leaving dana turned to alan and asked if my cards had come in. my response: (scrunchy forhead, raised eyebrow look of confusion) "huh?" dana: "your cards, we got some sets in and i wondered if yours was one of them" me: (scrunched forhead, raised eyebrow, big grin) "i get cards?!" dana: "yea, you do birthday's, you get cards." me: (big smile) "sweet!"

i get business cards. i'm not sure why i'm so excited about this. probably b/c now when i meet people i can be like "well here's my card, give me a call." i can see it now. it'll be great. no really it will. promise. so what if the phone number on the card will probably direct them to an automated system on how to go about hiring my company to teach their kid to enjoy science so they can get beat up even more than they already do.

baby got back...

so i'm back in the lou. no, not the toilet. the city. you may think this does not affect you but truth be told my being back here affects you fine folks in more ways than one. here are a few examples of how my location will change _words...

1. no more complaining about how there is nothing to do in laredo
2. no more overly elborate stories about hockey or the stanley cup
3. it's st. louis. it's winter. it's cold. so no more weather reports. although it did snow a bit last night, the really pretty kind. just flurries, but in the light...sorry. no weather reports.
4. a-town refreshed my memory as to who i am so i've got a new lease on life so to speak. so hopefully, that'll lead way to some serious creative juice flow. well at least for a week or so until i get lazy again.

and here are a few things that won't change even though i'm back...

1. i still babble. like a brook. that is how you spell brook isn't it? the girl's name is what has an e at the end right? actually i knew a guy named brook once. no, wait that was brooks. i think. hmmm. i should double check on the spelling.
2. i still stu-u-tt-te-r. ok no i don't. nor have i ever. but i think it'd be kinda cool if i did. i'd make people call me stuttering stanley. you can call me that anyway if you want. then people will be like, it doesn't sound like she has a stutter. then i can say 'i got better.' but in a british accent. (i'll love you forever if you get that movie reference...hint: think newts)
3. i'm still a nerd. minus the pocket protector of course. i got rid of that after santa brought me my sweet new fanny pack.
4. random is still my middle name. not literally. i'd hate my parents if it was my real middle name. can you imagine?
5. i'm still awesome. (and i love justin timberlake)

to ted...

véale en el lado del tirón, yo. oops. wrong language. that's what a month in laredo will getcha. vedali dal lato di vibrazione, yo is more like it. oh and remember sono impressionante ed amo il timberlake di justin!

only in laredo...

you know the allstar game is in laredo when...

• the line for beer and frito pies is longer than the line to take a picture with the stanley cup.
• the intermission event is a juggler that has an "act" that consists of him juggling balls in his mouth. (fill in dirty jokes here)
  
• the high school marching band and flag girls team thing were the other main event. have you ever noticed how flag girls are NEVER in sync? hmm. interesting.
  
• it's a wednesday night, but the alcohol still flows like water. what can i say, mexican's like their beer.
  
• during oh canada everyone is looking around going "what the hell is this?" but during la bamba the place erupted...ok they didn't really play la bamba but i bet the place would have gone loco if they had.
  
• during the afternoon the stanley cup went "across." as in, took a little trip to mexico. and got hammered on cheap tequila while being scarred forever by the infamous donkey show.
  
• the program is in english and spanish. yet still no one knows quite what is going on. it's laredo. i mean come on. what do you expect.
  
• while all the other team mascots are out there skating around dancing and doing their mascot thing to pep up the crowd, your mascot can be found clutching on to the edge of the rink, trying to keep their balance. awesome.
  
• halfway thru each period there is a "time out," which is actually just a random break where a live mariachi band plays. and people from every direction do that aiy-yai-yai call thing that mariachi's do. no? guess you don't listen to enough mariachi music. get on that.
  
• you overhear "that's the puck. the little black thing. see it?" no really, i heard someone say that.
  

faq

are you awesome?
yes.
did you see the stanley cup?
yes.
does that make you awesomer?
if that were a word, yes it would.
did you get a picture with it?
yes, and i even look stoned (i wasn't though, i swear) [link]
how about your parents?
no they weren't stoned either.
no i meant did they get a picture?
oh, yeah they did. [link]
how was hot-hottie-hockey player?
not that hot, and i hate to say it, but the boy tries too hard. he was nice though. disappointing, but nice. anyhoo, here's a picture. [link]
any more pictures?
yeah, i ran into a buddy of mine from a lifetime ago. so i've got one with him and, of course, the cup [link]
side note: yesterday an old friend (read:ex-boyfriend) from said lifetime ago, had a baby. well his wife had it, but that's just a technicality-anyway, i found that out & then tonight i run into tetsy and i dunno-it's just a lot of memories. i did a lot of my growing up with those boys and they were right there beside me-holding my hand so i wouldn't fall on my face (literally and figuratively). anyway, the point (not that i ever really have one) was that it was great to see daniel, i couldn't be happier for ryan and always flush the urinal with your elbow...wait, that's not right. anyway, moving on...
thank god. i wondered if you were just gonna keep rambling.
yeah, well i usually do. just keep rambling. ya know, kinda just don't really have a stopping point. well until i need to take a breath or something. that's usually a good stopping point...
or now, now would be a good stopping point.
right.
what about your buddy hot robert? where are the pictures with him?
oh there aren't any, he bailed. punk.
where were all the federalies?
they must have gotten caught by the border patrol while swimming over.
and hot-hottie-hockey boy's girlfriend?
she was there and pretty, and hating me for sitting next to her boy toy.
was there dancing? and by dancing i mean alcohol.
oh there was alcohol. cost an arm and a leg and was a weak as oj's alibi, but there was alcohol.
how was the meal?
minus the hair it was ok. i guess. side note: how did i manage 2 meals in a week with hair in them? are they trying to get me to floss more or something?
how was the speaker?
which one? there were like 40
i dunno the main one?
oh he was good. made this weird throat clearing sound a lot, but good.
ok, so i guess we can wrap this up, any fun stories to send us on our way with?
well now that you ask...no.

you can dance if you wanna...

blogs de amor...

as i was scrolling thru some blogs today i noticed that there was an alarming number of mooshy-gooshy-i-love-you blogs. blogs written by girls to, or about, boys. they got me thinking. brought me back to the good ol' days. pre carry-on baggage. or maybe some of you are more of an oversized baggage kinda person. either way i'm sure we all remember those days of yore. back when love was just butterflies (and that was enough). back when french kissing meant you'd be together forever (heck, it meant you were on your way to *gasp* 2nd base-i think. [random thought alert] is it just me as you got older did each base become more and more blurred until it all just kinda became gettin' jiggy wit it? [did i really just say "gettin' jiggy wit it"?]). back when you bet your bottom dollar that it wasn't puppy love-it was the real deal holyfield. you and old what's his/her name would last forever. or at least until you got a new seating chart in study hall.

seeing these "love blogs" (that's the technical name, i swear) made me think of those days back when i was at my gushiest. i'm not gonna deny it. i've got the notes and the letters with 'i love you' in every other sentence. i have journals like every other young lass documenting those days. but a blog? a blog open to the public? why?

do you really think the boy you're writing about is going to actually enjoy reading how much you worship the ground he walks on (without automatically thinking "uhhhh...i wonder if it's difficult to get a restraining order?"). and if he doesn't find it a bit too much, you may want to pay particular attention to his next thought. it's probably something like "i should write a 'love blog' too. one about that really hot dude on las vegas. you know, tad hamilton. i know he says he's straight, but i sense a vibe." while sipping on his diet coke with lemon.

and most importantly, why make it public? do i wanna read how much you love joe blow over there? not really. i could probably deal if you wrote witty stories w/ just a smidgen of intelligence about something he/she did that made them worth loving so much and on such a grand scale. but this whole i xxl-heart mr. wonderful for no concrete (or even just good) reason kinda annoys me. not the loving part. love 'em up. more power to you. just make the blog private. or keep a journal. it's frustrating and time consuming enough that blogger makes you go 1 by 1 thru blogs you don't really care to read. but your big blinking hearts are slowing down the process.

maybe i'm wrong. maybe some people like reading these blogs. but then again some people enjoy romance novels. doesn't mean i have to.

your captain has turned off the "correct my grammar" sign...

ahem! good afternoon ladies and gentleman and welcome aboard. this is your captain speaking. thank you for choosing my blog to read today. if there is anything we can do to make you more comfortable during your visit, please don't hesitate to press your call button. now please pay close attention as we justify our use of incorrect grammar and punctuation.

in response to my brother's oh-so-subtle correction of my grammatical error [link] i'd like to draw everyone's attention to the fact that i already addressed this issue in something i wrote when i first created this happy little world where i'm awesome cuz i say so.

we have obviously forgotten that all issues you might have with me and/or my inglés are automatically deemed null and void because why? again, because i say so. so read this "e" (and anyone else out there that has issues with my grammatical awesomeness)

and that's all i have to say about that.

bringing weirdos together since 2004...

so apparently someone got to this blog by doing a google search for "what not to do in a relationship""recorder." ok first i'll address the fact that this search makes pretty much no sense. what the hell is the recorder part for? i suppose i can understand the 'what not to do in a relationship' part-some people need that sort of advice, but 'recorder'?? i've seriously racked my brain (can you smell the wheels?) to try and figure out why someone would want those 2 things in a search together. i came up with a few ideas like maybe they meant tapes-ya know, to watch. a video on what not to do in a relationship. or maybe they want to make said tape and need a movie camera, but are from some foreign land where they call video cameras, recorders. or something. or better yet maybe they were looking for a song called "what not to do in a relationship" and needed the sheet music so they can play it on their recorder. ya know that little clarinet/flute instument that gets really annoying after like 5 minutes of playing it. i'm stretching it here aren't i?

my second issue is the fact that when this search is typed into google only 2 links come up. and both of them are to my blog. how in the world did i end up being the what-not-to-do-in-a-relationship-recorder expert? i mean seriously. maybe it wouldn't drive me so batty if i knew what in the sam hill it meant to be that sort of an expert.

i think i'm gonna learn to play the recorder and become a relationship expert so that next time someone searches for "what not to do in a relationship""recorder" i can have some actual expertise on the subject. not to mention the authority to talk 'em into the nearest loony bin.


[note: if the person who did this search is reading this, i'm not trying to poke fun at you, ok maybe i am a little, but really i'm just confused and slightly weirded out. so if you'd be so kind as to explain your motivation behind this search we'd be much obliged. ]

rabbit food and feet...

mom's and my lunch experience today was less than excellent (to say the least). our soups were nasty (and i mean nasty!) and my salad had a hair in it. how gross is that? needless to say we were very unimpressed. they comp'd our meal and gave us some sort of future coupon. we felt appeased in that respect. we had also lost our appetites so a meal that ended up consisting of nothing more than a barely filled bowl of lettuce and a couple carrots actually felt filling. until about an hour later when i decided to make an impromtu run for the border.

since i had offered to treat mom to lunch she didn't bother bringing in her purse. as i reached in my organized clutter of a purse, to get out money for a tip, i realized i had a couple loose dollars and no wallet what-so-ever. now if you were paying attention to what i wrote a few lines earlier, and you're good with simple math, this is the point where you put 2 and 2 together and realize it gets 4 and had we not gotten our meal comp'd we would have had no way to pay for our rabbit food. talk about luck. i never thought i could be so happy to have had a crappy meal.

my world of pure imagination...

i love having crushes. not so much on friends. those are just sorta torturous. but on people you meet once or twice or run into every so often. i don't have to actually know the person nor does there need to be any real chance of fruition. there's just something about those middle school he's-so-cute-and-i-should-totally-go-make-out-with-him-but-instead-i'm-just-gonna-sit-here-and-giggle kind of crushes. i mean don't get me wrong i'm a big fan of making out, but having crushes is fun too. if you have a crush and you keep it a crush then it can't be spoiled by reality. in reality he's probably a jackass, but in my head he's funny and smart and oh so cute and that, to me, is a much better option.

3 feet of bragging rights...

i was gonna save this story for after the fact, but i'm so excited...i just can't hide it! i get to spend some quality time with...drumroll please...lord stanley's freakin' cup! yeah baby, yeah! you have no clue how excited i am to see the stanley cup. AND get to rub it in the faces of all my siblings. everyone else had to leave to go back to their respective homes for work and school, so being the greatest-daughter-in-the-world that i am i told mom that i'd stay as long as i could. and no it has nothing to do with the fact that i don't have to be back to work until the end of the month. so anyway, i'm here till the 15th. little did i know that the hockey team down here was host to the league's allstar game. i also was not aware of the fact that the stanley cup was gonna be here. and more importantly, that i would be in town during said event.

i would say just seeing the cup would be enough of a reward for my being good a daughter, but then my dad informed me there was a banquet. with pat quinn speaking (current maple leaf's coach, coach of the canadian olympic team that won in '02) and an opportunity to see the cup up close and personal. so my oh-so-wonderful dad bought a table at this banquet for his company and before choosing any clients to fill the seats asked to have the hottest player from the laredo team sit at our table and then offered to let me invite whoever i wanted. how great is that?? i decided that i'd only have one friend come down though b/c i didn't want pops gettin' in trouble for not putting business people at the table. but still. i think i can deal with just having my hottest friend robert on one side of me and hottie-hot-hot hockey player on the other.

so lets recap...me + hot hockey men + hot robert + the stanley cup + large amounts of booze. how AWESOME is this night gonna be!?! ok i'd better stop. i just realized that b/c i'm so excited the night is gonna blow. when have you ever been pumped for something b/c all the elements are, well, pretty much the greatest ever and and it not ended up completely lame?

i can see it now... hottie-hockey-boy is gonna show up with his supermodel girlfriend on his arm...and she'll hate me, because all girlfriends hate me. the stanley cup will be a mere replica that they'll try to pawn off as the real thing b/c hell we're in mexico...the people here don't know shit about the stanley cup. and even though i know it's fake i'll still wanna take a picture with it so that i can pretend it's the real thing and tell everyone it's the real thing, but i'll never actually get near it b/c the freakin' federalies will be there guarding it like it's filled with all their bribe money. the speaker will get stuck in canada b/c of suspected something or other in his bag and who knows what else. the only saving grace will be robert coming down from austin to be with me and my mom's one drink maximum. unless of course he backs out and completely ruins any chance of the banquet being worth remembering.

oh who am i kidding...it's gonna be AWESOME!

coming up roses...

hip hip hooray! we did it. we finally did it. my alma mater finally won a bowl game under mack brown. and not just any bowl game. the rose bowl. against a big 10 team. but not just any big ten team. michigan. the team with the winningest record of all time. the team i grew up idolizing. my texas boys beat 'em fair and square. so what if it was only by one point. oh thank heaven for...vince young (you totally thought i was gonna say 7-11 didn't you??)