fo' razzle, my dazzle...,

in this little side bar thing in esquire, john mayer listed his 5 travel secrets. in them he twice referenced his schlong as his "razzle dazzle." i was slightly disturbed and yet somewhat intruiged. i didn't realize anyone but laura's and my old cheer squad ever used the term "razzle dazzle." our usage went a lil' somethin' like this...

razzle dazzle uh huh
razzle dazzle uh huh
my name is [sara] i'm number one
my razzle dazzle has just begun
so when you see me, step aside
you know this girl won't take no jive
*oooh she thinks she's bad*
correction, i know i'm bad!

yeah i know. .. awesome. i think i'm gonna start doing it at bars/parties. i may have to leave out the first couple razzle dazzles though. it might be a little awkward if i left them in...

random stranger: hi, i'm so and so
me: razzle dazzle uh huh, razzle dazzle uh huh. my name is sara i'm number 1, my razzle dazzle's just begun...

vs

random stranger: hi, i'm so and so
me: my name is sara i'm number 1 my razzle dazzle's just begun...

either way i'm totally gonna get somebody cued up to do the "ooh she thinks she's bad" part b/c the whole "correction, i know i'm bad" line has this classic "3 snaps in a z formation" attitude about it. it's my favorite.

and we wonder why i'm single.

washout...

you know what's really cool...when you don't need to do laundry and your apt. complex offers a free laundry day.

a man and his nuts

on my plane ride to denver the man sitting next to me not only wouldn't shut up no matter how many times i answered his questions with simple, slightly rude, one word answers, but he also downed 3 bags of snacks and an entire can of tomato juice in the amount of time it took me to eat 1 bag of the fiesta snack pack and about half a can of ginger ale.

how'd he do the nut and juice thing you ask...simple. he literally dumped the nuts down his throat with disturbing immediacy (only spilling a few that he promtly dug between the seats to find) and then the tomato juice was consumed in an extremely loud slurping fashion. i put my headphones on to drown it out, but noooooo he somehow managed to even out-do the wailings of the king of rock 'n soul himself, solomon burke.

damn you airplane man. damn you, and your little dog too. and by dog i mean whatever it was you were reaching down your pants to adjust the entire 2nd half of the flight.

flabbergasted

it's odd, and disturbing, and kinda funny(?) all rolled into one.

[ i don't even know how to describe it for the link ]


p.s. stories and pictures from my trip to come soon. promise.

angels and dementia...

maybe it was just me but the whole papal conclave thing totally made me think of that dan brown book angels and demons. i had this whole idea that it was gonna turn out there was some ginormous conspiracy and those freakin' ambigrams were gonna start showing up everywhere and we'd find out there was some sort of bomb hidden in some crazy tomb somewhere that was gonna destroy the world. and only tom hanks could save us from certain death.

phew!... so glad that didn't happen.

i'm also glad i just single handedly validated the quote " better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

what not to wear...

i spent about 45 minutes at the mall yesterday. i tried to stay longer but that was already 20 over my tolerance level. during my trip to the axis of evil i saw more than enough mini skirts (and 12 year olds in them) to last a lifetime. i tell you what, when i was 12 i was nowhere near allowed to even wear makeup let alone miniskirts and skin tight crop tops. it ridiculous. since when is hitting 'double digits' the appropriate age to start allowing your child to look like a hooch and a half? and parents wonder why their daughters end up pullin' tricks at the age of 14 (they're' illusions michael, tricks are what whore's do for money. or candy.')
there were also plenty o' chubbikins in itsy bitsy teeny weening yellow polka dot...uhhh...skirts? there was this one chikeroo whose mom ran in to some dude she knew and the girl immediately started pulling on her skirt trying to make it longer and not as offensive. maybe she should have done that before wearing it in public in the first place. then there was the escalator chick. i think she was my favorite. she was definitely the classiest. sweetie, if you're gonna ride the escalatoor in a mini skirt do not and i repeat do not rest one leg up on the step in front of you unless you're trying to have all the mall patrons see your prepubescent cooch.

and the award for the most inappropriate mental image goes to ...

great balls of fire...

so i had an odd dream last night involving fish and bleach and carrots and random people from laredo and anyway i was curious what some of the things meant and so i attempted to look ‘em up and in the process i came across this...

fagot

a brightly burning pile of fagots show you will win out over all those who oppose you. if you dream of the fagots giving off a thick smoke then will your enemies get the better of you. anothers actions will bring harm to you if you dream of walking on them, but if they do not burn you the harm will be negligible.

yeah, that was pretty much my reaction too. i realize fagot is a stick, but add another g and it's a derogatory term for a homosexual. which kind of makes me wonder about jeeves and the crew of homophobic monkies he has answering questions for him. i mean why couldn't they just call them sticks? are youreally trying to tell me people wake up after dreaming about a campfire and say ‘oh i wonder what dreaming about flaming fagots means.’ And to be honest the majority prolly doesn’t realize the slight spelling change nor the definition of a fagot with one g. i knew it but i’m not gonna lie, it definitely took a minute to process. i was too busy being disturbed and awed by the fact that someone might actually dream about burning the queer eye guys and roasting marshmallows on their rumpshakers.

bff...

how is it that i try to be polite and i end up feeling like an idiot? i mean seriously.

i talked to my friend/former rommate 's' yesterday and even though i strongly dislike her fiance (formerly our ballroom dancing ta who became her/our live in boyfriend until i couldn't stand him anymore and i moved out) i figured i should ask about him just to be polite and, ya know, just in case he had any sort of ability to go back and somehow change the one a i got in college. here's about how it went..."so uhhh how's r? when's the wedding?" " oh sara, you're a jackass and are gonna feel really stupid when i tell you we broke up. 5 months ago!!"

talk about being a good friend. not to mention being in the loop. if by good friend i mean not one and by in the loop i mean so far out of the loop that i'm like... something really far out of a loop.

well, at least i didn't ask when the baby was due only to find out she's not pregnant, just fat.

oh and ballroom dancing wasn't really the only a i got in college. just in case you were wondering (*cough*neto*cough*)

just wondering...

is it just me or is that plastic burger king mascot dude really kinda creepy?

driving miss daisy crazy...

i know i complain about the drivers here in st. louis a lot, but i'm sorry, i just have to do it again.

dear crappy green car driver man,
you're an ass. yeah you. you suck. who tries to cut someone off from behind and then has the audacity to give them a dirty look when they beat you to the punch and not let you do it. f you, man. the lane had to merge. i had to merge. so what are you doing trying to speed up and pass me as i'm about to nose dive into the freakin' highway wall. first of all, my car is faster than yours so kiss my ass. secondly, there was no need to try and pass me, it's not like i was grandma crawling along the highway or anything, so kiss my ass again. there was absolutely no need whatsoever for you to be all up on my rear like baxter goin' for k's backdoor. and as if you shaking your head and giving me a "look" wasn't bad enough, you continue to do it even after i move well out of your way. quit makin' faces at me and freakin' keep your eyes on the road. i'd reeeeeally hate for you to rear end the dude in front of you and wreck your precious little pile of crap on wheels. go back to driver's ed, actually pass this time, then maybe we can talk. until then, bite me. oh and p.s. you're ugly.
thank you and have a nice day.
sincerely,
rick james, bitch!

j to the d to the ed...

zach braff and tom cavanaugh on the same show is, hands down, one of the greatest ideas since death potatoes, chee-ee-ese, and preventive medicine.

rotten cheese...

as i was just flipping thru the channels waiting for my night of sports and zach "sara is so gonna have my babies" braff to begin i came across a disturbing sight. gigli, that horrific movie with those "actors" (what were they called again? oh yeah, bennifer) was on the "love stories" channel. whodabudawhat?

the love stories channel? love story my ass. she was a lesbian. he may or may not have been gay (they kinda left that up to us to conclude. ya know, to make things more cerebral.) they had no on screen chemistry. which kinda perplexes me b/c how do you not have on screen chemistry when you're supposedly bumpin uglies between scenes? no wonder she married marc anthony. he's waaaay hotter than ben affleck. ya know, if you like that emaciated look.

anyway, i'm not sure if i'm most disturbed by the fact that it was on the love stories channel or by the idea that someone actually paid money to be able to show it. who pays for actual crap? fake crap, maybe. but, real crap? talk about a waste of money.

and yes i know for a fact it's crapalicious. i've seen it. well most of it at least. i didn't have the stomach to watch it all the way through. and i'm a fan of home imporovment shows and after-school specials so you can imagine how bad it had to be to make me dislike it. we all know i love cheese. in any form really. including the form movies and television often offer, but this isn't even cheese. to call it cheese is a disgrace to the name.

and no, i did not see in the theatre. i did not rent it. my brother owns it. i should so leave the story at that and make him scramble to defend himself. that'd be awesome. but i won't. he got it as a gag gift. yeah, i know, good one. she gave it to him with that mariah carey stink bomb, glitter. which pretty much makes it the greatest gift ever. especially for a movie aficionado like big e. too bad she couldn't go back to best buy for like a year.

pillow talk

so i've got the whole sleeping alone thing down like champ. it's actually not bad. hot? throw off the covers. cold? bring on the down. not enough room? pillows don't threaten to break up with you and sue for abuse if you kick them off the bed one more time. it's really a pretty good deal.

the thing is that there seems to be an unwritten rule that when sleeping alone you sleep in the middle of the bed. and well, i'm just not a 'middle sleeper.' i try. i really do. but i pretty much just stick to one side. (i sometimes sleep diagnally and split the difference, but only sometimes.)

i'm not picky which side. it's usually the side by the door cuz that's the shorest distance to travel and when i wanna get to bed, i wanna get to bed. i changed it up last night and slept on the other side. afterall, variety is the spice of life. not to mention, in a relationship it's important that both sides feel appreciated.

did i just refer to myself as being in a relationship with my bed??

i need help.

i believe in a thing called love...

ben is a 7 year old whose birthday i worked at today...

me: we'll get started in a minute guys, we're just waiting on a few more of ben's friends.
ben: yeah, like my girlfriend!
me: oooh, you've got a girlfriend?
ben: uh huh, her name's maddie.
me: :)
ben: i'm gonna kiss her when she gets here.
me: oh yeah?
ben: yep, cuz it's my birthday!
me: well then.
[about a minute later maddie walks in and ben goes running up to her kissing her all over her face. really everywhere except her lips, but whatever. after their little makeout session at the door ben and maddie come join the rest of us]
me: so this is your girlfriend huh?
ben: yeah, this is maddie. but i've got 2 other girlfriends too.
[ben proceeds to kiss the 2 girls sitting next to maddie. all 3 girls just giggle and blush while ben gives me a nice, big, shit-eating grin]
other boys in the room: ewww!! gross!!
ben's mom: ben...settle down.
ben: (looking around at everyone, hands on his hips, completely serious) if anyone doesn't believe in love they can just leave my party right now!!!!

leave it up to a 7 year old to remind us of the importance of believing in love.

not to mention the importance of having more than one person to make out with.

you scream, i scream, we all scream for ice dream...

vanilla ice was in my dream last night.

my brother says technically that makes it a nightmare.

i tend to agree.