denver...gorgeous!

holy crap it's beautiful out!

days like today make me wish i had a motorcycle. or a convertible. or a dog.

things i learned...

so some friends of mine played a show a couple hours away last night and i was dared to go...so of course...i went. here are a few of the things i learned on my impromput road trip...

• driving to and from a show 2 hours away on 3 hours of sleep and with a slight hang over from the night before--not the best idea.
• seeing old friends reminds you of who you are.
• but causes you to have to answer the question of 'what are you up to?' every 2 seconds.
• you should always prepare an answer to 'what are you up to' before hand so that the mundane details of your day to day life sound way cool and make people wish they were you.
  
• wes b. is a cheat liar and steals from his mother.
• so says the bathroom stall.
  
• lester thinks my mom is hot.
• taco bell is gooooood.
  
• there are no mountains in middle of missouri. just big scary black holes.
• mountain dew does not keep me awake.
• and tastes like urine.
• not that i know what urine tastes like.
• shut up richard.

good morning sunshine...

ways to make your saturday morning the best it can be

1. wake up at 6 am. not b/c of an alarm. but just because.
2. not be able to fall back asleep until about 730
3. wake up again at 8. and after turning some soft rock hits of the 80s, 90s, and today on to soothe your weary soul fall back asleep
4. get up at 930 and goof on the computer until it's time to get ready for breakfast (read: brefice)
5. jump in the shower. wash your hair. rinse. put your face soap in your hand. wash your hair again. realize you just washed your hair with your face soap. laugh uncontrollably.
6. get out of the shower and realize you have no towel. so you wrap yourself in the bath rug.
7. ok i didn't do that last one. but i definitely thought about doing it.
8. go eat some uncle bill's!

note to self...

plexiglass cuts hurt much worse than paper cuts.

though i don't recommend either.

q and a...

why do you own a leather bra?

sling shot. double barrel.

dressing for success...

you know you have too many clothes when...

1. your dresser is overflowing. literally. like you have an extra pile of clean folded shirts on a shelf on the floor of your closet b/c you can't fit them in the dresser.
2. you have a shelf on the floor of your closet b/c the shelves up top are filled with sweaters and shoes
3. you have 2 plastic bins under your bed with "off season" clothes
4. the hanging portion of your closet is so filled that you have to color coordinate your clothes in order to be able to find anything
5. all this and you still have a full hamper

truth be told...

i love when something happens and i say "i should totally blog about that," but then days go by and by the time i have any sort of a chance to sit and blog about said random moments they've lost their luster and even if they hadn't i can't remember enough details to do the story justice anyway so i just blow right past it.

whoo...we're just blowin' through nap time aren't we brother?

i also love when i'm just too lazy to sit and try to be witty so i come up with all sorts of bullshit justifications as to why i haven't blogged in 3 days. the truth is i could just make up the details i don't remember from the aformentioned stories. it's not like you'd know difference. i mean for all you folks know i could actually be a creepy toothless wonder who lives in the shady part of town and sells hoobastank to small children. i mean i'm not, but i could be.

truth is, makin' shit up is just too much effort.

i once knew this girl who couldn't tell the truth to save her life. she lied about everything. even stuff no one cared about. she'd just bring up a topic. and the lies would fly like an eagle. (yes i did just did make a seal refrence. thanks for noticing.) man, could i tell you some stories about this chickadee. i really could go on and on about how crazy it all was. i mean, she was my best friend for the better part of a year, but she's not even worth it. i'm just making the point that being a liar liar pants on fire isn't worth it. and waaaaaay too much work. just think about how hard it must be to remember what lies you tell what people. i mean seriously.

anyway, a tangent about lying was not the intention of this blog. it was to share a couple short little ditties that don't require elaborative details.

picture it...

f150. monotype corsiva. letters at least 3in high. across the entire, and i mean entire, back window:
You are driving behind a Girl With An Attitude Problem!

and yes, that is the exact capitalization and punctuation. man i wish i were as cool as her!

and here's last night's quote of the evening...

e: don't you want this one on your face?
me: no i want this one cuz it's harder and bigger

and yes, we were discussing couch pillows. those of you who thought any differently really need to think about going to confession you dirty dirty birds.

they're illusions michael. tricks are what whores do for money. or candy.

hey hermano

how arrested development isn't everybody's favorite show is seriously beyond me.

hidden talents

driving home today my brother started making this weird gurgling like noise. i looked at him confused and a bit disgusted. only to find he was making spit bubbles. yeah, i know. don't ask. anyway, after realizing what he was doing, he kinda laughed and said "yeah, i have no idea why i just did that. but remember when we were kids and we use to do it all the time? you were the best at it."

wha? huh? i was? i had no idea. and all this time i thought my only talent was tripping over my own feet.

whoop there it is...

since i moved here i've been being pretty diligent about keeping my eyes peeled for artists i love from back home playing here in town. reckless kelly and jack ingram, the 2 bands i've been going through the most withdrawl over, no matter how many times i ask them to, never seem to play here. until now. i haven't been this excited about anything since that time i won the lifetime supply of hot men. ok that didn't happen. though i'd be pretty excited if i did. anyway, i'm waaaay pumped. the next 2 tuesdays are going to rock the cashbar.

oh and the shows are free!

can i getta hell yeah!?

nerd's the word...

remember back in december when i told ya'll i was a nerd? yeah well, here's the proof that was in the pudding.




72/100. 72! who knew?! at least i'm still considered "mid rank." gives me something to work toward.

baby daddy...and uncle

hello friends. welcome to this installment of 'you've gotta be kidding me!' today's story offers hard-hitting evidence that jerry springer guests not only exist, but they live right here in the lovely midwestern town of saint louis.

a member called to ask if he could add his sister's wife to his insurance plan...because she was pregnant with his baby. when we told him no, that he could only have one spouse. he asked if he could add her as a dependent....because she was only 16.

wtf, mate?!

yuppie guppie

hey folks, sorry i've been mia. i've been house sitting all weekend and so i haven't been home to write asinine stories about my life (or lack thereof). i don't really have much to talk about either. it's been a pretty slow weekend. i was suppose to work yesterday, but the party didn't happen so instead i sat around questioning my life and found myself coming to the realization that i may, in fact, be a yuppie.

i was once called a yuppie by this random old chick at a show in austin. it was pretty funny actually. there was a group of us and we were friends with the guys playing (who are far from being any sort of yuppie-esque) and we were all standing around talking and i was somehow the only one she called a yuppie. in fact, i think her words were something like 'shut up yuppie.' she had asked a question and it created some witty banter among us all...apparently whatever my witty comment was got me my ass handed to me. nobody really understood where she was coming from. everyone just kinda laughed an awkward 'what the hell was that' laugh. and all we could conclude was that i had a black turtleneck sweater and glasses on. apparently that look is the standard yuppie look.

anyway, i was always kinda bothered by that comment. probably because i've always thought of the word yuppie as being synonymous with pretentious. and i have never in my life thought of myself as such. especially since i like cheese and beer so much.

as i drove through a seriously questionable neighborhood yesterday (read: the ghetto) i found myself locking the doors and keeping my eyes peeled for random gang fights. last thing i wanted was to get clocked in the head b/c i didn't think to get bulletproof windows before heading to that part of town. once i parked, triple checked that my doors were locked, and walked up to the apartment i was suppose to be entertaining at, i stopped, turned around, and went back to my car to take my 'w' sticker out of the window. i'd been meaning to do it since the election anyway and since i was in an area i assumed wasn't so much republican i thought it might be a good move. my little foreign beaut of a car was already screaming 'break into me' considering it was even in the neighborhood, last thing i needed was to advertise it with a bush sticker. anyway, it ended up there was a mixup with the party and it wasn't taking place afterall so i drove home. with doors locked, and eyes peeled.

i stopped at starbucks once i was back in my part of town and as i sat drinking my 1/2 caf., non-fat, sugar-free hazelnut, no foam latte i couldn't help but think about how i reacted to the area i was just in. maybe i am a bit of a yuppie. and my only saving grace is the fact that i love cheese.

but then again, it's usually speciality cheese.

snack time

[food poisoning kills at least 27 children]

since i figure most of you won't read the article, i'll summarize.

apparently a kid brought some cassava root with him to school as a snack and he shared it with other kids on recess. cassava root is poisonous if not prepared correctly. i'm assuming this batch wasn't so much "prepared correctly" since 27 children died and 100 are undergoing treatment.

as horrible as that is, i'm really wondering just how much of this crap the kid brought to school with him. i mean seriously. that's a 127 kids that ate it. he had to have had a wheelbarrel full of it and a shitload of compadres.


added by author @ 19:51

uh so yeah, upon further analysis it looks as though there was a vendor outside the school selling the rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruit snack pack that wiped out the entire playground.

i knew there was no way the kid coulda had that many friends.

bullets over broadway...

• dewey's pizza might be my 2nd favorite pie of all time. once it hits your lips it's so good.
• setting an entire sheet of flash paper aflame isn't nearly as climactic as one might assume. it was probably a good thing we did it outside though.
• budweiser select (tm) rocks the cashbar. we salute you mr. beer with no after-taste maker man.
• if you teach the same class twice a week, once at 315 and once at 355 make sure you get your days straight so you don't show up for your 315 class at 355.
• here in st. louis we have really quality citizens. not to mention drivers. [link] p.s. he was running from the cops cuz he had just killed his wife in front of his kids.
• why do guys love pony tails?
• and why are they pony tails? wouldn't any animal with a tail offer the same level of description? or can't they just be tails? "her hair was in a tail" vs "her hair was in a [insert animal] tail." these are very pressing issues.
• felicity season 4 marathon coming soon to a television near me.
• loose seal!
• if your brother drives your car make sure you get your keys back or he'll end up with both sets and you're sol when it comes time to go to work.
• my friend's ex girlfriend immed me the other day...to say hello. and i find out a completely different ex of his "wants to get to know me" and asked him if she could email me. huh? is this strange to anyone else?
• i know it's the gilmore girls, but i love it.
• hahahahahahahahaha [link]
• why was piglet looking in the toilet? he was looking for pooh.
• did anyone else seriously enjoy alias tonight?
• did anyone else seriously enjoy michael vartan's perfect level of scruff on alias tonight?
• cuz i did.
• shwing!

hairy situation...

i love it when i put effort into my hair by actually combing it rather than just throwing it into a pony tail and then i step outside and it's humid and so windy that if i weighed anywhere near what the media implies i should weigh, i'd be blown away like osama at an nra meeting.

i don't know why i bother.

the rundown...

since we last spoke i have...

• seen a wild ass
• watched in awe as an elephant stacked and lifted, with his trunk, at least 5 carrots
• watched, still open mouthed and in complete and utter awe, as this same elephant tore apart a tree branch, limb by limb. he would hold the main part down with his foot and pull up on each branch with his trunk. i know. unreal.
• got yelled at by a small ornery child for calling said elephant a "he" since apparently it didn't have "one of those things."
• saw a man get splashed in the face by a pengiun
• watched a man get spit on by a primate
  
• ok that one didn't happen
• watched a polar bear take a leak
• that one did
• watched a hairy fat man scratch himself while watching sport center in his favorite recliner. only instead of a hairy fat man it was a brown bear and by 'scratching himself while chillin in his lazy boy' i mean lounging back against a rock starting at another rock.
• was the stranger children are told not to speak to or take candy from
  
• ate 1/2 lb of chicken salad
• felt like vomitting for the rest of the day
• watched way more trading spaces than can be considered normal
• bought green pants
  
• single handedly went thru 2 boxes of kleenex
• may currently be on twice the recommended amount of congestion medicine. i still don't remember if i took that first dose or not. that's probably not a good thing.
  
• but hey at least i have my voice back
  

bitching' song: jeff buckley- last goodbye
bitchin' joke: how do you get a kleenex to dance? put a little boogie in it.
bitchin' word: logorrhea

son of a bitchin' bob

call me mr. ed...

when we were kids and were having a hard time concentrating mom would always tell us to just put on our blinders. ya know, like how horses have blinders to keep from 'em from gettin' spooked. she'd have us cup our hands around the outside of our eyes and tell us to just block everything else out. today at work the 3 middle aged yackers i'm sharing an office with wouldn't stop telling stories that they thought were funny, but i thought were stupid. you know the kind where you're constantly having to give a courtesy laugh, b/c you have absolutely no natural response other than to turn away and pretend like you aren't thinking "welp, there goes [insert amount of time here] i'll never get back."
so the stories continued and next thing i knew they were asking me for validation of some lame point they made and i had absolutely no clue what they were talking about. my response "uhhh, i'm not listening." to which they awkwardly laugh b/c they aren't sure if i'm being funny or if they really did just waste 10 minutes telling a story in an attempt to be "cool" only to have the young gun completely ignore them. i'm not sure they believed i actually i hadn't heard them until about the 3rd time i said "no seriously. i have no idea what you're talking about." i think i may have hurt their feelings. but hey man, it's not my fault. mom taught me to put blinders on. good thing it's subconscious now, cuz it might be kinda weird if i was always cupping my hands around my eyes.

oh and by the way i hate when people turn left and don't use the left turn lane. grrrrrr. so annoying.

a few good games of pinball and a double whiskey sour...

disclaimer: the following has the word 'rock' spelled 'rawk.' this is done in order to accurately exemplify the band. thank you and have a nice day.

one of my favorite bands from tejas, slobberbone, is calling it quits. that's a sad thing. 10 years man. 10 years ago i didn't even have my driver's permit yet. geez. i hadn't really thought about that. huh. weird. anyway. they're calling it quits and are runnin' around the states on a final bender. or 'tour' as the kids are calling it these days. so i, of course, did what any intelligent, broke, under-the-weather person would do. i went and sent them off with a bang. not a bang as in i did the band. a bang as in like i went to the show, they rawked, we danced, they rawked some more, we cheered. ya know, that kind of bang. what kind of girl do you think i am? honestly people.

so i'm not sure what the point of all this is. other than to say that throwing caution to the wind and going to a rawk show may not have been the most responsible idea on the "you're sick, what should you do" scale, but it was great show, and well worth it. i'm not any sicker today than i was yesterday, but i do have thaaaat many more good times pounding in my ears.

moral of the story...sometimes you just gotta rock.

moral of the story #2...cold medicine, whiskey, and spike heels...nooott the best idea when you're trying to stay upright.