weekend update...

a few highlights from my extremely long weekend. these are all in addition to drinking an entire bottle of wine, by myself, on friday. working early saturday morning. and having to drive so much i used up an entire tank of gas (and no i don't have an suv). this weekend, be glad you weren't me.

saturday...
white wedding...white trash that is. complete with family bickering, faded disney tattoos, and chain smoking.

shortest ceremony ever...dude, i gotta start going to non catholic weddings more often. i'm use to at least and hour. usually more. this one took 10 minutes. yeah you heard me. and that includes the time it took the wedding party to take there places and to walk out of the joint. i think the preacher just wanted to get away from all the classy guests and their screaming crack babies.

dinner and dancing...by dinner i mean cocktail wienies and chicken wings. and by dancing i mean an eight year old getting cash from her parents for going out and doing a booty dance. apparently in the back woods of illinois they start stripper training at a young age.

music...all country, all the time. at first they couldn't even get the stereo system to work, but they did finally. until about halfway thru the first song. which is also known as the bride and groom dance. the bride was reeeeally happy about that one. they fixed the situation by bringing in an boom box. because god forbid we not have music for the prepubescent-brittany-wannabe to booty shake to.

men...dirty, creepy, redneck men. there were a couple that just dropped lewd comments my way and one who tried to cop a feel, but for the most part they left me alone. well except the bride's brother. that man just couldn't take a hint. i seriously don't know how i managed to keep him from humping my leg. i'm thinking the only reason he didn't was b/c his teenage daughters were there.

cash bar...so basically what you're saying is that in order to save myself from complete and utter misery, i will have to dish out copious amounts of money? suh-weet!

sunday...
oxiclean...yeah you know the stuff. the stain remover on those infomercials. well i'm here to tell you it really works. no seriously. i'm not getting paid to say this. my lab coat had all sorts of ink and chemical and paint stains that i was freaking out about b/c how the heck was i gonna get them out. i tried practically ever stain remover known to man. and then there was oxiclean.

late arrival...we would have been on time for the movie had we not gotten stuck behind the "short bus." we figured we'd be able to break free once we turned onto the street that leads only to the theater. turns out whoever was on the short bus was in the mood for a movie also. once we finally made it inside, i ran to the bathroom. only to get stuck behind a woman walking at a snail's pace. my guess is she was the one on that bus.

wheezy magee...about halfway through the movie a large man makes his way slowly across the front of the theater. only to sqeeze in right behind us. so close it literally felt like he was breathing down our necks. and then there was the heavy breathing. it was louder than the respirator on the movie. and that was in surround sound. i swear the man was huffing and puffing so loud i thought he was gonna blow the house down. get an inhaler, man.

road rage...i'm pretty much perma-annoyed with stl drivers. they are even worse in rain or snow. and today was no exception. so while driving home this old jalopy cut me off. and so, of course, my natural response was to flick him off. what? don't act like you wouldn't have done the same thing. i, however, made the mistake of looking at the car as i "waved hello." and isn't it just my luck to look and see the eyes of four small children peering straight back at me. yeah. that's me. scarring the youth of america since 1980.