homewrecker...

ways for me to steal tom brady away from bridget moynahan...

write him a song: no i can't sing. no i can't play an instrument. but you always hear about some dude writing some chick a lame ass song and like that (i know you couldn't hear it, but i just snapped) he's in her pants. you never hear anything about him singing the song. or playing the song on an instrument of any sort. why should the standards be any different for a girl writing to a boy? and why in the world would you ever think that it might not work? men love sappy songs. bryan adams, rod stewart, sting...all for love...don't even try to act like you didn't know all the words.

draw him a picture: my box of 64 crayons even has a sharpener on the back. that way, i can spend at least 3 hours shading his upper lip and my crayons will never dull. it'll prolly be the best drawing i've ever done.

bake him cookies: every guy loves cookies. and bridget is a big movie star (bor-ing!) so i'm sure she can't bake to save her life. i could even make them heart shape. i bet he'd love that.

make out with a teammate: ya know, to be closer to him. what?! it's a completely normal idea. i'm thinking adam vinatieri. it was a toss up whether i'd be trying to steal him away from his chica or tom from b.m. (i'd just like to draw attention to her initials, butt i'll leave it alone)...i opted for tom b/c adam is married and well...girlfriends are never a problem-wives are. or so i've heard. i also hear hell is reeeeally hot.

write him a letter: i always say when something isn't to your liking you do one of two things...eat cheese (cure to any and all ailments...except lactose intolerance, but we'll just ignore that) or write a letter. and well honestly, tom being with bridget isn't so much to my liking. therefore. i shall write a letter. and eat some cheese.

workout more: alright so the plan on this one is to do more squats. really strengthen up my rump. then, try out for the team as a "tight end." (plus after eating all that cheese, a little extra time in the gym couldn't hurt)

two words...water girl: i'm telling you man, i could just sub in some vodka for the H2O. he'd be drunk and on me...uh, i mean, on the sidelines...in no time at all. so what if vodka doesn't taste anything like water. it looks the same. details, people. details!

find bridget a new man: i'm thinking my brother (dude, you can thank me later). oh wait, but then that might be kind of weird. ya know, over the holidays. anyone else want her? hmm...alright, well then i guess i could sign her up for one of those online dating services. i hear they're all the rage.

invite him to a party: in my pants!


so that's all i've got for now...i'll let you know if i think of any more. or if any of these work.